Poet David Whyte famously said, ‘the courageous conversation is the one you do not want to have.” I have spent a lot of time over the last almost decade, empowering leaders and teams to have their courageous conversations. I am clear that many of our institutions are cheated of their full potential when we don’t embrace the absolute centrality of courageous conversations in moving us forward. Before we can norm and perform, we must storm. I am also clear however that for many of us, hierarchy, culture, and even biology makes courageous conversations perilous terrain. The balance is delicate.
An executive coaching survey conducted by Stanford University and the Miles Group, shows that CEOs and Boards rank conflict management as one of the skills they need the most help with. This is not surprising. Research done by NYU psychologists Tessa West and Kate Thorson, showed that participants heart rates jumped enough to indicate moderate or extreme stress during a feedback simulation they conducted. Imagine when it’s the real thing! Courageous conversations, it turns out, are not only culturally or hierarchically challenging, but they also activate a very strong threat response for many of us, even at the most senior levels.
Many of the folk that I’ve worked with get and even like the concept of courageous conversations. But they are terrified of their implications. The outcome is that they often avoid them. There are some very clear mindset shifts that can help you turn this around.
Firstly, we call them courageous conversations because they are not easy. They will never be easy. I don’t know anyone who goes skipping gleefully into a courageous conversation. Your palms may sweat, your heart will beat faster, you may feel a knot in your stomach or want to throw up with the anxiety of even the thought of the conversation. To understand that this biological reaction is normal is to conquer the first hurdle. When a conversation really matters to us and we have real skin in the game, our entire nervous system is engaged for what often registers in our brains as a ‘live’ or ‘die’ situation. This is our primal response to external threats. It signals that a moment matters not that the moment should be avoided as people often think. Breathe – two-to-three short inhales and one slow exhale a few times to relax the system. Notice your own thinking and how it helps or harms the conversation. Always keep at the fore of your mind that the emotions you are experiencing are created by you – they are not being triggered by anything on the outside but by your own thoughts and interpretations regarding your situation. Make the choice to stay engaged even when all you want to do is avoid, hide, or run.
Bear in mind as a second point, that successful conversations are dependent on the language that you use. Language is in fact action and the words or phrases that we use in a conversation are akin to the moves made on a chess board. When you give feedback, make observations and not judgments. When you are describing something, be clear when you are making an assertion (statement based on fact) vs an assessment (statement based on your own subjective thinking). When you are making a request, be clear about your conditions of satisfaction so that expectations are clear to all involved. State the emotions that are registering for you. Express the values that compel you to want to have the conversation. Speak slowly and clearly. Stay true to the intention and message. Honour your right to have a voice.
Lastly, don’t be paralysed by a concern over outcomes. Courageous conversations don’t always produce the exact outcomes you desire at the exact time that you desire. Sometimes the success or impact of our courageous conversations is only felt or understood many years later. What they do in the moment is make sure that other people are clear about our values, needs and intentions. It is then up to the listener to decide what part of our courageous conversation they can honour. It may be all, a part or none. Whichever it is, don’t be attached to a specific outcome. What is critical is that you no longer sit with the burden of unsaid truths, concerns, or preferences. This will clear your mind and possibly even clear you out of an environment that doesn’t see your value.
One of the best lessons I have learnt from the field of biomimicry is just how normal conflict and difficult conversations are. Nature creates beautiful things out of conflict – pearls, mountains, canyons. Beautiful outcomes can come out of courageous conversations if they are managed well. Storming is an integral and inevitable part of building resilient relationships, teams, companies, and countries. And so courageous conversations, as a critical component of storming, matter.